Hate to Love You Read online

  He tensed slightly at the unexpected touch, but he soon relaxed. I glanced at him, feeling my breath catch in my chest. I had been walking on air since our conversation earlier in the day. I tried to caution myself against getting my hopes built up, but Matthew had agreed to spend time with me. He had agreed to get to know the person I was now. That excited me. This was a dream finally come true and I was determined to make the most of it.

  Of course, I wasn’t sure yet how we would work this, when we would find time to be alone, as the wedding was fast approaching and we all had a lot to do.

  As Alex’s best man, there was a list of tasks I needed to handle, not the least of which was Alex’s bachelor party, already scheduled for the following night. I had most of the details ironed out, but I had allowed Alex’s cousin to deal with certain jobs, such as hiring the stripper he had insisted he we need, even though I knew Alex didn’t really want one. It just seemed tacky. Having a striper at a bachelor party was so sadly cliché, but I figured Matthew and I could sneak away for a few minutes to ourselves while she did her little dance number.

  I smiled to myself as I wondered what it would take to convince Matthew to strip for me.

  I immediately regretted that line of thought as my cock swelled in my jeans, and I had to shift to find a more comfortable position.

  “So, Matthew, Amanda tells me you teach theater.” Alex’s comment to Matthew drew my attention back to the conversation.

  “I teach at a high school.” Matthew smiled as he answered, and I watched him, not caring that I was staring because I loved seeing that smile.

  “I could never be a teacher.” Amanda grinned. “I don’t think I could deal with that many kids in one room at the same time.”

  “Well, the kids I deal with are great. I guess it helps that they have an actual interest in what I’m trying to teach.”

  I could hear the affection in his voice when he talked about teaching, about the kids he taught, and it made me melt even more.

  “It would help if you were teaching them something that actually had some damn use in the real world the rest of us are living in.”

  It was the first time Raymond had spoken since we sat down to dinner, and he hadn’t even looked up. He just threw out the harsh comment and continued eating, as the rest of us sat there, clearly stunned and undeniably uncomfortable.

  “Raymond.” Jenna hissed his name, but he didn’t acknowledge her.

  “Dad, please,” Amanda appealed. “You promised.”

  “It’s okay, Amanda.” Matthew forced a smile he didn’t feel, for his sister’s sake, but I was seething as I glared in Raymond’s direction.

  “I’m sure Matthew is a wonderful teacher.” I spoke in a tone I knew held ice, and Raymond actually had the nerve to look at me.

  “What’s this about? All you fags stick together?”

  “Dad!”

  “Shut up, Amanda,” Raymond snapped as Alex tensed.

  “Don’t you dare speak to her like that.”

  “I’ll speak to my kids any damn way I damn well please.”

  “Everyone, stop it!” Jenna’s attention was focused on her husband. “Raymond, please… Can we act like a family for a few days without you being like this?” I sensed she was close to crying, and I was sorry for her. She only wanted her family to be happy, but Raymond was making that impossible.

  Calmly, Matthew stood. “I think I should leave.”

  “No! Please, Matthew, I want you at my wedding.”

  “I’ll be there. I swear it, Amanda. But I can’t stay here. I can’t stay in this house.”

  “This is your home.” Jenna reached for his hand, but Matthew shook his head.

  “Not anymore. It hasn’t been for a long time.”

  “Matthew—”

  “Let him go, Jenna.” Raymond pushed back from the table. “He’s right; this isn’t his home.”

  “You made damn sure of that.”

  “Jenna—”

  “Come on, Matthew.” I stood, drawing Raymond’s attention. “Let’s go.” If Matthew wasn’t staying, I sure as hell wasn’t. I had no idea where we would go, but I wanted to get Matthew as far away as possible from his father’s ignorance.

  “I guess you guys do stick together.”

  I ignored Raymond’s smirk.

  “Dad, stop.” Amanda sounded close to tears, and I was sorry for her, too. She didn’t deserve this. This was supposed to be a happy time for her and her father was ruining it. “Leave Matthew and Dex alone. God, do you even realize the things you’re saying?”

  Sadly, Raymond did know exactly what he was saying, but he was too much of a bigot and a jerk to realize or care that his words were causing everyone around him pain, not just the people he was intending to hurt.

  How had I ever respected him?

  I looked at Matthew again. “Let’s get out of here.” I spoke softly, and he looked at me, nodding, and I glanced at Jenna. “We’ll come back tomorrow and pick up our things.” It went without saying that we would come back long after Raymond had left for work, and Jenna nodded, clearly too upset to try to say more.

  “Dex—”

  “It’s okay, Amanda.” I looked at her, offering a weak smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” She looked from me to Matthew and back again, and I easily understood. I knew she was trusting me to make certain her brother was okay, and I would. But I didn’t have to tell her that, because knowing Amanda, it was likely she already sensed exactly what I felt for Matthew.

  Almost in a daze, Matthew let me take his hand and I walked us from the house to my waiting car, and the question of where we should go.

  My parents’ house certainly wasn’t an option, which left us with selecting a motel. Luckily, I had my wallet on me, so it wouldn’t be a problem.

  It wasn’t until we pulled out of the drive that Matthew seemed to come back to himself, as he dropped his head back against the seat and groaned out loud.

  “I’m pathetic.”

  “Matthew—”

  “I couldn’t even stand up to him, Dex.” Part of me gleefully noticed it was the first time he had called me “Dex”. Maybe that meant he was at least willing to see me as a friend. But I knew I couldn’t let myself focus on that now.

  “You did stand up to him, by walking away.”

  “I ran. I always run. I ran when I went to college early and I haven’t stopped running.”

  “That isn’t true.” I chanced a glance at him before returning my attention to the highway. “You’re true to who you are. I admire that about you. I admire that you…you don’t apologize for being who you are, and the fact is, you have no reason to apologize or feel badly about yourself. Don’t let Raymond make you question who you are.”

  “Oh, I know what I am, in my father’s eyes.”

  “Don’t.”

  “I’m just a useless fag.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a pleasant sound.

  “I hate that word.”

  “Can’t say I’m too fond of it.”

  “It hurts, to have your father reject you.” I knew this from firsthand experience. “I won’t tell you it shouldn’t cause you pain, because it does and…well, it’s not something you can easily get over, but the fact is, Raymond’s inability to accept you is his problem, not yours, Matthew. He’s a bigot. He doesn’t understand the concept of unconditional love.”

  “He didn’t love me before he knew I was gay.” Matthew lifted his head, opened his eyes, looking over at me. “I should be past it. I want to get past it, but I...” He slowly shook his head. “I thought I had myself prepared for being here, for his possible reactions, but it hurts and I hate myself for allowing him the power to hurt me.”

  Taking one hand off the steering wheel, I reached out for his hand. “I’m sorry. I wish I could take that pain away.”

  To my relief, he didn’t pull away from my touch.

  “Thanks, by the way.”

  “For what?”

  “For standing up for me back there
.”

  “You don’t have to thank me for that.” I squeezed his hand. “I could have said a lot more. I wish I had, actually.” Raymond and I would still have words. I intended to tell the man that he was an ass. I knew it wouldn’t do any good, wouldn’t change his skewed views, but I was beyond pissed and disgusted with the man, and I wanted him to know it.

  We drove in comfortable silence for a while, until I came across a motel that looked clean and didn’t have a “Norman Bates” feel about it.

  I pulled into the parking lot and turned to Matthew. “Wait here, and I’ll get us a couple of rooms. If it turns out this place is a dump, we can find something better tomorrow.” For now, we just needed a place to crash, where we could unwind, but Matthew—still holding my hand—shook his head and gave me one of his smiles that made my heart race.

  “We just need one.”

  “One?”

  “You said a couple of rooms, but we just need one.”

  “Matthew—”

  “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, Dex.” His eyes told me he was teasing, and I grinned at him.

  “Shouldn’t that be my line? I mean, I’m the one dying for a chance to kiss you.”

  “Maybe I’m dying for you to have a chance to kiss me.”

  I nearly died when he said that—I was rock hard and afraid I might come, right then and there—but somehow, I managed to exert control I didn’t know I possessed. Drawing in a deep breath, I reluctantly pulled my hand from his, telling him again that I would be right back.

  I was a bundle of nerves and emotions. I couldn’t believe this was really happening. I was about to check into some random motel with Matthew Sullivan, the man of my dreams. Matthew’s flirting and his teasing had made it clear he wanted me, and I had to say I was thrilled, but I was nervous. I didn’t want him to feel rushed, and I didn’t want him to do something he would regret, come morning light. I didn’t want some meaningless one-night stand with Matthew. I wanted a chance at something real, something that we could build into an actual relationship that had a future.

  Of course, if Matthew wanted to have sex tonight, I honestly didn’t think I could refuse him, because I had wanted him for so damn long.

  Pushing aside my conflicting thoughts, I checked into the motel, accepted a room key from the clerk, and went back outside to find Matthew standing beside the car, looking like a walking wet dream, and I knew then with utter certainty I was officially toast.

  I was in love.

  One night—a thousand nights—wouldn’t be enough, because I wanted forever and, somehow, I had to find a way to make Matthew want the same thing.

  Our room was on the ground level, just a short distance from where I had parked the car, and Matthew was quiet as I unlocked the door and we walked inside.

  The room itself was nothing spectacular; just an average roadside room with a double bed, a television, and a nightstand. The walls were an uninteresting beige that matched the carpet, and a plastic ice bucket and plastic cups sat on the sink.

  “Not too bad.”

  “At least my father isn’t here, insulting us.” I could tell he was trying to be flippant, but the hurt was still in his voice.

  Closing and locking the door, I tossed the key onto the nightstand, and turned to face the man I wanted more than I wanted my next breath.

  “Matthew—”

  “I was teasing, in the car, Dex.”

  “Were you?”

  “Sort of.” His smile was adorable. “I didn’t come here expecting this.” He gestured between the two of us. “I know I’ve always been attracted to you. It made me crazy. I wanted to resent you, but I felt something for you. God, I was a mess back then, and I’m pretty much a mess now, but if something happens here, it’s not because I’m upset, or somehow not thinking clearly.” He was saying exactly what I wanted to hear, what I needed to hear. He was reassuring me, letting me know this wasn’t a decision he had made lightly or under duress.

  His words, the way he looked at me, it was more than I could resist, and suddenly without any real conscious thought, I crossed the short distance between us, gathering Matthew in my arms and claiming his mouth with heated desperation.

  Matthew’s arms went around me. His body melted into mine, and I backed him against the wall, pressing against him. I could feel his cock straining against his jeans, brushing against my leg. It was a wonderful feeling. Kissing Matthew was intoxicating. I actually felt light-headed when his tongue snaked into my mouth, offering and demanding at once.

  Needing more, needing everything, I reached for the hem of his T-shirt, untangling from him long enough to tug the garment from his body and toss it haphazardly to the floor.

  God, he was perfect.

  Smooth, ivory skin, lean but defined muscles, and the most perfect nipples I had ever seen. He was sexy beyond my wildest dreams.

  He was my dream come true.

  Wordless, I pulled him back into my arms, kissing him again, savoring the feel of his soft lips yielding beneath mine.

  I loved the way he felt.

  I loved the way he tasted.

  I was starved, for more and more of him; my hands were everywhere, moving over his back, up his chest, cupping his oh-so-perfect ass. I wanted to take my time, but I was on fire. I had never felt such all-consuming desire and it aroused me even more.

  Any remaining trace of logic went out the window. We were both controlled by need and longing, and our hands shook as we undressed each other, leaving a trail of clothing in our wake as we made our way to the awaiting bed.

  Naked, we fell onto the mattress, on top of the ugly comforter. His skin was warm and smooth, and he made the most delicious sounds as I kissed my way down his neck, over his chest. He gasped and tangled his hands in my hair when my lips wrapped around one already hard nipple, and I eagerly licked and sucked the tantalizing nub until he writhed beneath me. I was driving him crazy with desire and I loved it. I loved knowing he wanted this as much as I did. His legs wrapped around mine and he rocked against me, pushing me closer and closer to the edge, the edge I wanted to tumble over, but I wanted to take him with me.

  We didn’t have any condoms or lube, so as much as I wanted to sink into his perfect ass, I couldn’t, but I could make him feel good.

  I could give him the pleasure he deserved.

  Sliding a hand between us, I wrapped my fingers around his cock, savoring the way it felt in my hand, as his beautiful eyes snapped open. I smiled, taking in the sight he made with his skin flushed and his lips slightly swollen.

  “God, you’re beautiful.”

  “Dex—”

  “Let go, Matthew. Just let go.” I leaned down and kissed him again, and he opened to me eagerly as he reached for my cock. I nearly died. Nothing in my life had ever felt as amazing as his perfect hand wrapped around me.

  Thrusting into his grip, I kissed him again and again, and between kisses, I whispered his name, telling him over and over that he was beautiful.

  And he was.

  I touched and teased and stroked him endlessly, wanting the moment to never end.

  “Dex...”

  My name sounded like music on his lips as his body convulsed, and mine followed as I came with a strangled cry.

  Warm, wet heat splashed between us, coating our chests and stomachs as I collapsed beside him, chests heaving and breathing ragged.

  I felt drained and exhausted. It was a wonderful sensation, and once again I knew with utter certainty that one night with Matthew wouldn’t be enough.

  I wanted forever.

  Somehow, I knew I would find a way to make him want the same thing.

  Matthew

  I spent the following day with Dexter, first going to my parents’ house, where we both quickly packed while my mother tried not to cry and Amanda cursed our father. I don’t think I had ever seen Amanda that angry before. The things our father had said the night before devastated her, and she swore she would never forgive him.
>
  Pulling her aside, I told her not to ruin her relationship with Dad over me. I had lost my father. I didn’t want Amanda to lose hers as well. But she was thoroughly disgusted, and I couldn’t say I blamed her for feeling what she did.

  My mother apologized repeatedly, but Dexter and I both assured her she had no reason to be sorry. I knew our decision to stay in a motel upset her. She wanted us all together in the days leading up to the wedding, but my dad was making that impossible. He was too ignorant and angry to put aside his issues, even for Amanda’s sake, but as Dexter had said, that wasn’t my problem. There was nothing I could do to change my father’s views.

  With our bags packed, we dropped them off at the motel and then I tagged along as Dexter handled the final details for Alex’s bachelor party.

  He had rented out a room at a local bar for a private party, and he laughed when he told me about the stripper Alex’s cousin had hired.

  There was a natural ease between us. We were comfortable with each other. I felt relaxed around him, something I would have never believed possible before this trip home. I really had come a long way in putting past issues to rest. I hadn’t truly faced down my father yet, but the anger and the resentment I had once felt for Dexter were long gone.

  Of course, that made me nervous.

  I had always had a crush on Dexter, but now…now, I was really getting to know him, learning more about the man beneath the physical perfection, and I couldn’t deny that I liked him. Dexter was kind, clever, and understanding. He was filled with a deeply rooted passion, and he was genuinely a good guy with a lot to offer.

  I again remembered my worries about my heart being at risk, and it was. I was in danger of falling hard, but truth be told, I had already started falling and I wasn’t certain I would be able to stop myself.

  I wasn’t certain I wanted to stop.

  Maybe, just maybe, dreams could come true.

  Maybe, just maybe, a childhood crush could turn into real love.

  I told myself it was foolish—I was setting myself up for a fall—but the hope was there and it flared and grew each time Dexter looked at me and smiled.